"in dreams emotions are overwhelming."

Alright, so my mind is still abuzz.

This morning, while unpacking a box, I found a mixed tape, made for me for my thirteenth birthday by my friend and her uber-cool 15-year-old sister. I put it in my car's tape deck while I was driving to work, and the weirdest feeling overtook me. I had a flash of what it felt like to be me then, and all the things that filled my life then. It felt so...intense. Like I was absolutely head-over-heels in love with life. I know, of course, that those unspeakable highs were mixed with some very low lows, but still, I miss that intensity. I've become so even-keel. What happened? Should it have happened? Does it happen to everyone?

Maybe we all get to the point where we decide that the proper things to worry about are paying bills and tuition and getting to work on time and getting laundry done before we run out of underwear, and we stop putting so much metaphysical importance on whether our parents understand us or whether our friends are really our friends or what our identities should be and whether other people are getting the message of what our identities are. I used to spend so much time trying to figure myself out and what I wanted to do with my life. And I still think about these things, but not in the same way. I spend so much time thinking about practicalities, and it takes so much energy. On a typical evening, if there's enough in the fridge to make some kind of dinner and I haven't run out of shampoo, I figure life is going pretty well. I still think about what I want for my future, but at the same time I have to think about whether it will pay the bills and the student loans. I've met so very many people lately who work for money doing really what are pretty boring careers, who have settled in to some kind of contentment with having disposable income and a decent-looking social life. And it's so very easy to have "friends" who are really just acquaintances, to keep up the polite chatter without having a real conversation, to work without feeling passionate about it, to date without falling in love. To get by.

Part of me wonders if I could really return to my quasi-mystical adolescent way of thinking about life. Would I want to deal with such turbulence and uncertainty, and the risk of pain, when you believe something is important and you want it so much, and if it doesn't work out you are crushed and must ask the hard question of why and never be satisfied by the answer. But then, if it does... To believe something is big, big enough to change your life. To attach importance to seemingly small things, for no other reason than they ARE important, to you, and no other explanation is needed. To drink in an experience without rationalizing about it at all, to love what you love and hate what you hate, and KNOW what you love or hate. Now, I mostly just accept what is and deal with it in whatever way seems reasonable. And there are a lot of situations where that is wise. But still, I wonder if there is room somewhere for the vaulted emotions that I've folded up and tucked away, that maybe I can bring them back out and get to know them again. They were so vivid, even in remembering.