the current confusion.

Today was when it hit me:
I have no job and no direction, and I don't know what the hell I am supposed to do with my life.

Partly, I feel intensely frustrated with how the modern world works, how nothing ever feels secure in the world of employment and money. Partly, I know that if I only work for money, I will always be dissatisfied.

And partly I wish I could move away from the city and learn how to throw pottery, and sell it from a tent at craft shows, and live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with a lot of books and a dog. Because that just sounds like peace.

Sometimes, I feel I have no idea what my 'gifts' are, and how I am supposed to use them, and how that could actually be beneficial to the world.

Sometimes, I miss the structure of school, the assignments turned in and the comments received back. I hate the feeling, out here in the real world, that you are doing something wrong, but you don't know what it is and no one will tell you. I feel like the heroine of the Moviegoer. Just tell me what to do, exactly, and reassure me I can do it, and afterwards tell me I did well. I am a product of public education and that's the only way I function.

But the truth is, this is the point at which I am the one who decides what I should do, and I am the one who judges whether I've done it well. Currently, I feel rather inept at both.