Confessions.

- It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I am drinking Guinness.

- I know I can write. Maybe. But other than this blog, I don't know what to write.

- Most of the time, I feel useless to society. I feel most helpful to my friends. You could say my friends are my reason for existing.

- I justify my existence by how intelligent I am. As to why that would justify my existence, I don't really know. But it makes me feel better.

- I have an avoidance of talking to my family because most of the time I don't know what to say. I feel we are so very, very different and they wouldn't understand me. Maybe I am wrong, but so far I haven't taken the pains to find out.

-I believe in Ultimate Reality, something bigger than the human drama and encompassing all of it, but at this point I feel too...limited to understand it. I don't feel confident enough to say there is a Personal God who Loves us. I don't know what's behind Good and Evil. I don't know what happens after Death. My optimistic side wants to think it will all just work out in the end. I've come to appreciate how very little control I have over the vast reality I am a part of. My realist side says that what will happen will happen and there's no point in living in fear of the unknown. But in the quiet of night, I fear it anyway.

- More and more, I want to collect every scrap of soul I can find in the murky waters of my mind and throw it down here. Because there's a space between me and whoever reads this, and I need that space. It makes it feel...safer. And at the same time, I need to bare all. Well, not ALL all. Sometimes I need to speak the truth without ever knowing the response. And sometimes, getting a response makes my heart leap--"Someone hears! I am not alone! I am real!"

-As far as material life goes, I've got it good and I know I've got it good and sometimes I feel guilty and sometimes I don't want to give any of it up. Except for the shit I didn't want anyway and can cart off to Valu-Village without missing it at all.

- I am a leaver.

- I fear for the earth, and I feel helpless. And I still drive a car. Because it's convenient. And because I can.

- I am saddened and outraged by the ghetto, but at the same time relieved to have no contact with it.

- Most of the time I don't read other people's blogs.

- I really hope someone reads this.

-...but I keep stalling on hitting the "publish post" button.