nerd.

So I've been sitting in the library for an hour and a half, listening to Sibelius' violin concertos and searching for articles on the phrase "son of man". I've accumulated a stack of books about messianism and jewish context. I am being sucked back into the rhythm of research and academic life, and I feel myself liking it. Mostly.
There is, of course, the sick thrill of taking an actual, physical book off a shelf in the library, and feeling an involuntary surge of hope that it will reveal some amazing thing, or that the reading of it will cause brain cells to spontaneously grow and swell with wisdom and wit.
There is the pitting of oneself against an article and trying to out-think it, to feel smarter than this published buffoon, whoever the hell he is.

It helps that outside it is cloudy and dull. And, that I haven't started my new job yet and have a lot of time on my hands. And, that I caught a ride to school with my roommate, and I can either keep myself occupied until she is out of class or walk all the way home.

But still. This morning I sat and listened to Dr. Lemcio teaching about the gospel of Mark, and as I listened to him I actually felt interested again in the words on the page. I didn't feel that way last night, when I was quasi-attempting to do homework, but that's beside the point. I think it has a lot to do with tempo, and that has a lot to do with this year as a whole. Sometimes I feel an inner rush, to reach the answer, now, to figure it out, to feel intelligent and quick. But I am learning to take my time. And it isn't that I want to plod along and waste time. It's just that I HAVE time, and few obligations, and I get to use it however I want and however seems actually beneficial to me. Because it's MINE.

The demon inside me is laughing with pleasure at having absolute power.

In the past I would always hit the point, a few weeks into the quarter, where I wanted to just give it all a rest and take a trip to Portland. And I never did, because I was frightened to death of missing a deadline. But I don't really have deadlines. The thesis will be done when it's done. And if I want to go to Portland, I'll go. Some might say that is a dangerous strategy for getting things finished, and it probably is.

But the thing is, I don't care.

MWAhahaha!